Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Sometimes we ask the question...but we already know the answer.

Those little black specks are what's known as hairy-cell leukemia...and I'm all too familiar with them.

December 2003 was a tough month for yours truly. Even though I had managed to clean up most of the mess I had made of my life to that point, I still had a few transgressions to settle and account. My life had come 180 degrees in a fairly short period of time. My focus was once again on God and not on myself. As the t-shirts and bumper stickers was good.

Two major life-altering situations occurred that month within 15 days of each other. The first happened when I sat down with my physician (who happened to also be my boss) and he broke the news that the blood work from my routine physical was showing an abnormality. I was referred to an oncologist, so it didn't take another M.D. to deduct what was happening. Three days later, I knew what I was up against.

Twelve days after the news I was fighting hairy-cell leukemia and as if that wasn't bad enough, I got a courtesy visit from the government saying I was being investigated at work for accounting abnormalities. Huh...that same word again. So doing what you feel you need to do to get the job done is 'abnormal?' I would come to learn that the end definitely doesn't justify the means in the eyes of the State of Tennessee. But that's a different side of the story completely and was totally irrelevant if my time on this planet was soon ending.

So, I settled in to battle the Big C. My life, as I stated, was framed with a lot of recent successes. I was in the relationship I believed God had placed before me to a young lady who was a spiritual dynamo. My prayer life was once again flourishing, and my daily walk was...well...I actually had one again. God was blessing me in tremendous ways.

So Lord. Why now? Why in all the rotten times in my pathetic life am I healthy and vibrant, and now that I've turned my life back over to You, to serve You, am I dying? It just doesn't make sense...

I wallowed in self-pity about...I'm guessing...I'd say I felt sorry for myself and asked for answers about...3 hours. Maybe less. I don't think, as Christians, we completely realize, or maybe even understand, the full power God gave us when Christ returned to Heaven and the Great Comforter was sent. I have a little better understanding today because after that self-absorbed 3 hours or so, God gave me an answer to my plea.

My cancer was from living in a fallen world, not from God. The investigation was from my own decisions and actions, not from God. That's when the peace of His love fell on me and wrapped me in only a blanket He can provide. On my knees, I made a vow to Him and Him alone. If I was to die a young man of 38 years, I would spend ever last day He gave me thankful and in service to Him. On the other hand, if He wasn't through with me yet, then I would face what I needed to face and also be thankful and serve Him.

My Father let me know that either way, I was His to do as He wills for His glory. Coming up on 7 years later free of cancer and all legal abnormalities...I'm glad I gave it all to Him, and I'm sorry I ever ask the question 'why?'


Joyce Lighari said...

Good theological answer :-)
I think asking why is part of being human -
I heard a preacher say recently that it is okay to hold God to the fire so to speak - to ask Him the hard questions. It's part of being in relationships. Yet, it is even more true that we don't have the answers and His answer is always the right one.
God is good and I am thankful you are healthy and enjoying life as well.

Tracy said...

Wow - definitely a powerful account. It's beautiful to read your words attesting to the fact that you see yourself as Gods to do with as He wills.

David-FireAndGrace said...

Have heard your story before - but now that it is all in the rearview mirror, it is interesting that we question God in the difficult times.

For me, it's better to be in God's presence. I know that plan that He has for me, and even some of the details for the near future. Regardless of those facts, I don't want to forget that to be with Him is glory. Whether God heals us, or takes us home, both are glorious!

Thanks for sharing brother.