Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Do You Really Surrender all to Me?

My Boy was 13 months old when I found out I was pregnant again. The timing wasn’t ideal but we hadn’t planned for the Boy, and that had worked out. It didn’t take very long, maybe a day or two, before the joy of another child set in. I wanted 4 children and so regardless of timing, this child was welcome.

My Boy was 15 months when my womb unceremoniously gave up the baby. The loss was acute but when the appropriate time had passed, my Man and I tried to conceive again. Nothing. It felt like our initial loss was stretching into months and years. I wanted another child. I had never experienced wanting something so desperately and being denied. It felt like punishment for squandering my good favour on temporal pursuits and possessions.

Tests were conducted and options were presented. I wasn’t satisfied. At church I would sing, “All to Jesus, I surrender; all to him I freely give,” finally the Lord asked me, “Do you really surrender all to me? Give me your dreams for another child.” I struggled to give him the dream for several years but slowly I realized I felt less heartache each month that my body proved it had failed to bear fruit yet again. I began to think about the future in terms of just my Man, my Boy and me.

I replaced my consuming fire of wanting another child with wanting the Lord. I began to realize my Boy was a miracle and gave the Lord praise for the gift I did have.  I sang, “All to Jesus, I surrender; all to him I freely give.” The Lord came to me again and said, “Do you really surrender all to me? Give me your son, your only son.” I said, “Lord that isn’t fair, my brother has 3 children*, I only have one. Please, don’t ask me to surrender my Boy.”


I’m still in that place, of daily surrendering my Boy. I’m aware that many of the great men and women of revivals in the past have sacrificed a lot, including their families. I do not partner with fear, so I refuse to look for the threat that may harm my Boy. Nevertheless, I hope that the stronghold of control in my mind is being tested, rather than the testing in the natural. But if it the test comes, I hope God will provide a way of escape like he did for Abraham. By faith, I believe Jesus died so we would have life.

Living sacrifices, that’s what Paul urges us to be. Every day this week, you are reading about some of the sacrifices we’ve made for Jesus. The good news is anything we sacrifice by faith is credited to us as righteousness. What storehouses of credit are you building up? Let us know in the comments.

*It was kind of a serious point in the narrative so I didn’t want to interrupt to say, what a terrible aunt I am – offering to give up one of my brother’s kids in lieu of my own. I hope my brother doesn’t read this. I love his kids I would protect them as my own.


David-FireAndGrace said...

Kids change everything!

My wife ha hoped for a second child and we just kept getting older. It is the one thing I know that she aches for. It is tough to lose that which we are passionate about - I can't imagine your pain.

I never want to make that choice, or have to endure that destiny. It is one of the few things that has been tough to put on the altar.

Thanks for sharing.

Joyce Lighari said...

I never quite understood the pain of a miscarriage until I had one -- it is funny how some things are just like that. There have been times I have hesitated to tell people how many children I have... they look at me like what??? you have how many? I tend to long too much for acceptance and this impacts me way too much. However, I realize when I think of stories like this one how incredible blessed I am. Today, 25 years ago, I had given birth to a beautiful girl who was my seventh child - to be followed by my beautiful youngest daughter, 4 years later. In the interim, between these daughters, I had a miscarriage. People thought that since I had so many children already, it wasn't a big deal. I longed for that child. I cried for that child. I grieved for that child. I look forward to seeing her (I feel God spoke to me in one of my conversations about this, that she's a she) in heaven. But I think of her - I think of her every year when it is the anniversary of my loss and the time period when she would have been born. God was good. VERY good - he gave me a delightful daughter who has and is such a joy in my life.
I've had to put 8 children on the altar many times though and trust them to God... that's not easy.
GREAT blog - thanks for your vulnerability and sharing

Tracy said...

Beautiful to read about your desire to be all God's more than even what you long for. Thanks for opening your heart up.