Parenthood Should Have a No-Return Policy

Motherhood was not something I aspired to as a youngster. I had no starry-eyed illusions about raising children--because I was a selfish creature, I assumed any offspring I produced would be selfish as well, and would thus require something I really did not want to give...my effort and  energy, and quite possibly, the putting aside of certain dreams and ambitions. This was something I understood as a teenager.

As a young married adult, I sensed that God was changing my heart about motherhood. By changing my heart, I do not mean that I suddenly grew rose-colored glasses. He softened me to the idea that perhaps what I wanted so badly--a career--was not His best for me. He had a deeper, richer future for me as a wife and mom first, career second.   

This was not an easy change for me. Nor was it a one-time decision. There were several times where I doubted my abilities to parent well, or struggled with leaving the career-track. Sometimes, the idea of taking a long vacation from parenting seemed really tempting--but since I missed my children when  away just one night, ditching them long term was never going to happen. And after a short season of restlessness, God would always give me an event or sweet reminder that I was chosen to be the loving mom to three precious lives. I was on the right path, even though it was not always smooth.

So, the other day I read--with probably not a little judgment-- about grown women increasingly choosing to shirk motherhood because the choice they originally made is “not a fit” for them. These include women with college degrees, many who were no doubt proclaimed to be among the best and the brightest.  I was barely out of puberty when I could see the writing on the wall of the childbearing years, and these mothers are surprised by the work and sacrifice of parenthood? The real challenge these women face, of course, is not motherhood: it is the self. She looks in the mirror and sees the One Who Truly Matters. Narcissism is the plague of our times. 

Peggy Drexler wrote on CNN.com about mothers leaving children permanently in the care of fathers or other caregivers, describing the phenomenon as if it were some kind of emotionally detached science experiment: “American culture ... is still conditioned--through the media and pop culture--to believe that many women’s greatest desire is to have a baby. When mothers abandon their children, it’s seen as unnatural.”

What can be “natural” about leaving your child? It is not the same as changing a career or moving to a more desirable location. Children are not things, they are complex, feeling little beings deeply attached to their parents. An absent parent--be it mother or father--leaves a void. The CNN piece, by the way, ignored the fact bad fathering even exists: if the mother willingly leaves her children, the writer seems to assume, it must mean the father is the better care-giver, and therefore the child will be okay.

According to writer Deborah Moskovitch, “a parent's rejection of a child or a parent's inconsistent presence could drastically affect a child's self esteem ... [but] one good parent who is loving and nurturing can overcome the negative affects of losing the relationship with the other parent.” 

This assumes there is a good parent or caregiver left behind as well.

Motherhood is a gift. Just ask any woman yearning to have a child. A gift can be returned if it doesn’t fit, or if you already have one like it. But parenthood should have a no-return policy. Our children need us. If you are struggling as a parent, get help. Join a support group, surround yourself with emotionally healthy people who care about your family, communicate honestly with your spouse about your struggles, speak with a trusted counselor. You are a gift to your children, one they would not choose to return.

"I’ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends." John 15:13.

How to Love

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23.

For the next several weeks, the topic at Kingdom Bloggers centers on the fruits of the spirit, listed above in the scripture from the Apostle Paul's letter to the Galatians.

Love is the first and most important of the fruit we will produce as followers of Christ (1 Cor. 13:13). For an unparalleled example of love, we can look at the life of Jesus--one of complete self-sacrifice, patience for and acceptance of others (especially for the very flawed disciples), devotion to His Father in Heaven. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

There is a reason the scripture above is read aloud at many wedding ceremonies, and it is found in those three words in verse 8: “Love never fails.” Failure in love happens every day. True love is not the love of man. That is evident in the everyday selfishness we see--and participate in.

Marriages would survive at an astounding rate if the true love described in 1 Corinthians 13 was practiced on a daily basis. But marriage can be fertile ground for both sacrificial love and selfishness. The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Galatians, reminds them that they are a free people, but that they are not to use that freedom to hurt, abuse, or hate: to do so, is to live a live of slavery all over again. Laying aside one’s right to indulge oneself, is the sign of true love and a free life.

To produce that kind of love is impossible in one’s own strength. That is why God gives us His Spirit--to allow Him to plant, root and blossom this luscious fruit of love that can quench the fire of hatred, heal wounds, grow a child, mend a broken heart, seal a rift, change a life.

When we hear the love scriptures read at a wedding, let’s pray that love, and all of the fruits of the spirit, is planted and nurtured in the lives of the couple--that God’s love would allow them to live as free people who love each other freely and selflessly. And watch the divorce rate plummet.

Some see sacrifice...others see the blessing of service.

At a point in my life, I was an avid proponent of Dr. Ester Buchholz, a psychoanalyst and clinical psychologist who died in 2004 at the age of 71. She did quite a bit of research on solitude during her career...what she called "alonetime." She thought that society undervalued solitude and alone time and overvalued attachment. Dr. Buchholz thought that periods of solitude were important if we were to tap our creative potential.

Although I'm very much an extrovert by nature, I've always made time in my life for moments to detach and withdraw, isolate myself from outside stimulation and spend time in thought and reflection. That may sound a bit more proactive than the actual process worked, but long periods without this self-imposed reclusiveness would ultimately affect my demeanor and award-winning, infectious personality (eye roll) in a very negative way.

Fast forward to the start of a more pious and vastly more important period in my life. 

Holding true to my word that pivotal moment in the early morning hour after I got off my knees and dried my eyes, focus shifted to putting God into every aspect of my mess of a life. Completely unaware of the spiritual concept of quite time, my private moments of isolation began to slowly change from a concentration of pondering things like 'Why am I here?' to pleas to my Father of  'What will You have me do?' Slowly the me time faded away and was replaced by Us time until the day it finally became rightfully His time.

Has it truly been a sacrifice? I still agree in principle with Dr. Buccholz that creativity is best released in those moments of solitude. The world has become a very busy and very noisy place. We are bombarded daily with a gambit of request and requisitions, information and intrusions, responsibilities and requirements....it's mentally exhausting. I will admit daily vacations from the superficially cerebral stuff to a place of inner peacefulness and self-reflection are very nice. But then I'm reminded...this isn't about me.

So my personal fortress of solitude Dr. Buccholz zen-fully called alone time has greatly changed. It hasn't been easy for me. Necessary, but not easy. Because, now I spend those moments away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life no longer dedicated to a personal mental respite...I spend that precious time in prayer for others. As earnestly and humbly as I possibly can. Every single day.

But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Matthew 6:6

We are often heralded as creatures of habit by the scientific community. I wholeheartedly agree with that assessment too. We were created to be creatures of habit by a loving God who prefers those acts of habits to be in some service to Him and to others. I just hate it took me so many wasted years of selfish thoughts and behaviors to finally realize that coveted place of inner peacefulness and self-reflection doesn't hold a candle to the joy received by focusing on Him and His will.

Spend some of your 'me-time' today with our Father and offer petitions on the behalf of others. After just a few days of this...you'll find it can become very addictive.

Do You Really Surrender all to Me?

My Boy was 13 months old when I found out I was pregnant again. The timing wasn’t ideal but we hadn’t planned for the Boy, and that had worked out. It didn’t take very long, maybe a day or two, before the joy of another child set in. I wanted 4 children and so regardless of timing, this child was welcome.

My Boy was 15 months when my womb unceremoniously gave up the baby. The loss was acute but when the appropriate time had passed, my Man and I tried to conceive again. Nothing. It felt like our initial loss was stretching into months and years. I wanted another child. I had never experienced wanting something so desperately and being denied. It felt like punishment for squandering my good favour on temporal pursuits and possessions.

Tests were conducted and options were presented. I wasn’t satisfied. At church I would sing, “All to Jesus, I surrender; all to him I freely give,” finally the Lord asked me, “Do you really surrender all to me? Give me your dreams for another child.” I struggled to give him the dream for several years but slowly I realized I felt less heartache each month that my body proved it had failed to bear fruit yet again. I began to think about the future in terms of just my Man, my Boy and me.

I replaced my consuming fire of wanting another child with wanting the Lord. I began to realize my Boy was a miracle and gave the Lord praise for the gift I did have.  I sang, “All to Jesus, I surrender; all to him I freely give.” The Lord came to me again and said, “Do you really surrender all to me? Give me your son, your only son.” I said, “Lord that isn’t fair, my brother has 3 children*, I only have one. Please, don’t ask me to surrender my Boy.”

Silence.

I’m still in that place, of daily surrendering my Boy. I’m aware that many of the great men and women of revivals in the past have sacrificed a lot, including their families. I do not partner with fear, so I refuse to look for the threat that may harm my Boy. Nevertheless, I hope that the stronghold of control in my mind is being tested, rather than the testing in the natural. But if it the test comes, I hope God will provide a way of escape like he did for Abraham. By faith, I believe Jesus died so we would have life.

Living sacrifices, that’s what Paul urges us to be. Every day this week, you are reading about some of the sacrifices we’ve made for Jesus. The good news is anything we sacrifice by faith is credited to us as righteousness. What storehouses of credit are you building up? Let us know in the comments.

*It was kind of a serious point in the narrative so I didn’t want to interrupt to say, what a terrible aunt I am – offering to give up one of my brother’s kids in lieu of my own. I hope my brother doesn’t read this. I love his kids I would protect them as my own.

God Loves the Smell of Burning Flesh!

I have to say, as a suburban dweller, I love the gas grill. (Yes, that is swordfish on my grill!) But it is nothing like this!


Exodus 29:25 You shall take them from their hands, and offer them up in smoke on the altar on the burnt offering for a soothing aroma before the LORD; it is an offering by fire to the LORD.

This week a diverse group of bloggers, both wise guys and brilliant woman, will endeavor to write about sacrifice. As a self-proclaimed wimp, I don't really feel qualified to start off the week, but that's my job - so here we go.


I find myself sort of an interesting character because I know what goes on inside my head and I easily amused. Occasionally I know about what is happening in my heart too. I am just trying to achieve happiness, have an easy life, and a find a way to make the most amount of money for the least amount of work! You won't find a lot of sacrifice in my day-to-day. Especially if you compared my lifestyle to that of some of the third-world slums I have been to in Brazil and various parts of the Caribbean.

I have met Christians that have given up a lot to serve that Kingdom of God. In fact I met a pastor just this week that gave up a job as principal to be a missionary in the middle east. He seems very happy serving God. Me, I gave up a few vacations to do mission trips, but nothing like him.

Sometimes sacrifice is not giving something up, but saying yes to the Lord. Obedience is better than sacrifice. I think that is more where I come from. I never sit down and say: "Lord, what would you like me to give up?" I will say: "Lord, what do you want me to do?" It's a more dangerous prayer, yet a better expression of my passion for the things of the Kingdom.

Let me explain with an example from my own life. In 1998 I was cruising along as a the CEO of a very profitable internet company. I was making a ton of cash, paid off my debts, drove a BMW, and was able to give generously to the church and its various ministries. Let's just say there was no sacrifice there. Then I went to a meeting with a prophet. I was a bit skeptical because I hadn't really had a lot of experience with all this stuff. He spoke some serious stuff over my life such as missions, international travel and writing. Wow, that was NOT me. I didn't want to go to a foreign country, especially one where they didn't speak English. And I laughed about the writing because I failed English, Grammar and Reading 9 out of 12 years in school.

All I can say is the prophet's words rolled around in my spirit for days, then weeks, and suddenly one morning the Spirit of God came on me as I sat in front of my keyboard and I began to write. For nearly two solid years I wrote just about every day, sending out a daily email. In the midst of that I met a guy from Brazil and our friendship turned into three mission trips to his homeland. All that I did was say yes to the prompting of God. It was in the obedience that I sacrificed some things in life. I didn't feel starved for them, I just focused on what God was having me do.

I guess my sacrifice happens more easily when I am blinded by love, love for my Savior. In the end I gave up useless idols and some conveniences, but the blessing of hanging out with Jesus is amazing!

As a footnote, sometimes we see sacrifice as painful, but many times it is freeing.

I would also add that there is a cost to following Jesus; a price to pay. On the return from my first mission trip to Brazil I came home to some serious situations which transpired while I was away. Within a year I had lost everything but a car full of personal belongings.

Would I do it again? YES!