Two Anniversaries

On August 24, 2007, Nikki and I got on our knees before God and each other and dedicated our love for Him and each other.  We didn't take it lightly, and we had refrained from sex while dating because we both had been a part of relationships that had started out with sex or were based upon sex. And those were all failures.  We knowingly and willingly allowed sin into a relationship.  Or we had begun a relationship with sex and selfishness and instant gratification and shallowness and stupidity and......

On September 21, 2007, Nikki and I stood before a Justice of Peace so our marriage would be recognized by the state of Iowa and my employer. Nikki took Logan as her son and I took Naomi as my daughter. A mere formality, but it was still cool to include both kids.  It was definitely a Jesus thing, because both Naomi and Logan were supposed to be with their bio parents that weekend.  Nikki and I had known we were gonna get married.  When her employer dropped Nikki's health insurance coverage, we pushed the date up and dropped the notion of an all out wedding.

What is kinda ironic is if I woulda had a gay lover named Nick, I coulda added him to my health insurance coverage no problem. But since I was dating a woman, a very wonderful woman, I could not put her on my coverage. In the eyes of Jesus, Nikki and I were already married. Its just that the state of Iowa and my employer didn't recognize us as husband and wife. And most importantly, Nikki and I recognized the importance of honoring Jesus in our relationship and asking Him to be a part of our lives before we became one.

But if you don't have enough self-control, then go ahead and get married. After all, it is better to marry than to burn with desire.

1 Corinthians 7.9

It Started in the Garden

Faith and sex huh? When I first heard the topic I though oh, okay, that’s great! Now when it is time to sit and write the blog, I’m thinking maybe it wasn’t so great after all. David did a great and cautious job yesterday. Caution is always a good thing the first part of the week with a topic like this. Since I am the first female to share on this topic, caution probably would be good for me too. We’ll see when I get to the end of this how well I do with that. Candor is pretty much my style so we’ll see????

I’m old. I’m well churched. I’ve been in church all my life. I like to joke that I cut my teeth on Pentecostal pews. I don’t know if there were teeth marks there, but you get the idea. My mother was quite Puritanical in her views on sex – in fact, she’d probably have been a Shaker if she could – you know the ones that preached abstinence and preached themselves out of this world with no reproduction?

The first intersection of sex and faith came at church camp. NO I wasn’t in the bushes making out with one of the boys. Three of us in the room were having a conversation about sex. Given my mother’s views on sex, I knew about it, but firmly maintained that “Christians don’t do such a thing. God gives them their babies." I guess I thought every child born to a Christian was an immaculate conception. One of the older wiser girls – I think she was about 16 took me aside and clarified things for me.

David’s right, we don’t hear much about sex in church. We’ve left sex education to the public schools. We fight to keep our children from hearing such things. Okay, I agree, sex education has gone too far in many ways – I heard the other day that some school was going to do sex education in Kindergarten. The point isn’t that the schools do it; I think the point is more that we are not doing our jobs to give a godly perspective of sex. As David says, sex is for marriage. It's also basic to our humanity to desire sex and have it.

I’ve seen a lot of interesting interpretations on scripture as well. Take the interesting book of Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon). In the late 70’s there was a book, a sex manual to compete with the burgeoning market of sex manuals, Solomon on Sex. It had some rather interesting ideas. Christian couples flocked to their local Christian bookstore for this one. Finally a way to find out more about sex while still being spiritual!

Another interpretation of Song of Songs is that it is an allegory of Christ and His church. In certain circles of church this is really popular. I don’t disagree with this interpretation – I’ve preached it myself! However, a preacher who was well known for preaching this topic once said to me, Joyce, the young really like all that talk of kissing so it’s a good topic. I wasn’t sure that was a good way to put it. I think he sold a lot of books that way.

Most of the time, the church just buries its head in the sand when it comes to sex. We five Kingdom Bloggers that God put together to talk about things with candor, honesty and with the Kingdom of God in mind, seem to be the ones to start this conversation. Let’s face it, people have sex. Christian people and non-Christian people – it has been that way since Adam knew Eve and it isn’t going to change. The Bible is pretty direct about sex. Why aren’t we?

Stuff Christian Don't Like to Talk About - Yes, That!

There are lots of "rules" in the Bible pertaining to sex. There, I said it: sex. One of the body's strongest natural desires is that for reproduction. We call it: making love, sex, "that" and a few other things. Along with our desire to stay alive, and eat, it is up there at the top of the list.The Bible doesn't make too many distinctions about eating - it's not like  we put it off until some day in the future.I don't believe it says anything about keeping our desire to stay alive in check - so what's the deal with sex?

This week the topic is sex and faith - thanks Tracy - I haven't been this uncomfortable around church folks for a long time!

I have heard a little teaching about sex in the church. Wait 'til you're married, and don't have it with yourself. Now that I have passed that one - I think I am done.

All kidding aside, there has been little good teaching in the church regarding sex. It more often falls on the list of don'ts unless you are married. Occasionally someone will give a few reasons why not, and the purpose of reproduction is clouded by "the enjoyment of sex, and "it's my body" and other Hollywood type pressure - as if they've got it all together!

Look, sex is great and it feels good - and it gets all mixed up with love, and feelings and stuff like that. As Christians we do not rely on feelings to know how to act. I never really understood that like I do now. Feelings aren't facts. In truth, abstinence protects us from STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Even if those weren't consequences, it still would be against the "rules" unless you are married - but how to we connect with God, and enjoy something which is so obviously abused.

The truth is that sex, is, and should be part of the marriage experience. It is designed to be one facet of marital intimacy - the other two emotional and spiritual. And truthfully, it doesn't fit well in other places.

I was on vacation last week, and there was a 6-year-old flipping out at pool-side. My older girls both said they were never having kids after witnessing the event. I was thinking the same thing, but it's too late for that. So I wished children on them to the extent at which they have cost me discomfort as a parent. Somehow, the world seems to leave sex disconnected from reproduction. It appears to be one place we get into trouble.

The good marriage, is like a good church. You feel safe in being vulnerable, and transparent.

There are all sorts of issues with sex outside of marriage that are damaging to both parties. These are covered in Galatians 5, in the 10 commandments, and may other places in the Bible.

For me, I am very glad that I am married and don't have to manage my desires.

How about you, is the Bible realistic about sex, and how do you manage?

John Lennon just plagiarized Paul...the Apostle not the Beatle.

My post today is really just a reflection of the post from my fellow Kingdom Bloggers this week. I've very much enjoyed what each has said this week and taken time to reflect how their message applies in my own life.

Tracy's passage from Galatians 5:22-23 is one of my personal favorites. Living in the Spirit not only bears the fruit God expects from our lives...life itself tends to become a lot less burdensome when we experience and strive to multiply the 9 attributes the Apostle Paul discusses as a result.

When David Johndrow picked freedom and fruits of the Spirits in back-to-back weeks as our subject matters, it was as if Galatians Chapter 5 was on his heart. Paul tells the Galatians that through Christ they are free (from Mosaic law?). He then goes on to warn them not to use their freedom to indulge their sinful nature but to serve one another in love. Next, he echoes one of the two greatest commandments as taught by Jesus by summing the entire law into one command...love your neighbor as yourself.

Love, love, love...dump-ty dump...love, love, love...all you need is love, love. Love is all you need.

Outside of the Holy Bible, no where is it stated better than the classic Beatles' song. First fruit of living in the Spirit listed by Paul in Galatians...love. His letter to the Corinthians list love, faith and hope as spiritual gifts...love being the greater of the three. The same Epistle also tells us...love never fails.

It should be quite obvious to the Christian that love is a fruit of most value to God. He demonstrates by example with the mercy and grace He bestows upon us. Jesus lived in flesh and walked among us 2000 years ago preaching and exhibiting love to a world that didn't love Him back...and in His last act of love, He looked to God and begged forgiveness for the very ones that tortured and killed Him.

I could go on and on with numerous examples that we all know by heart as Christians. That is why it is so difficultly hard for me to understand people claiming to love God doing this...

Apparently, the folks at Westboro Church don't read the same Bible I do because that looks more like bitterweed than fruit.

God love 'em...and I will sure try hard.

Fruit is a product of relationship

How many times have you heard someone tell you that they think that at the end of their life they will have some kind of experience where God will stand at the entrance of heaven with a great big scale and put all their life actions on either the good or bad side of the scale and the side to which the scale tips determines their eternal destiny? I know I've heard various renditions of this thought more times than I can count.

I'm so grateful for what I see when I read Ephesians 2:4-10 (NIV):

4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

When I read this I realize that God has done everything for me. He saved me, brought me into relationship with Himself, just because He chose to love me. He gave me the faith to believe in Him.

I've found in my life that the more I come to understand and believe this truth, in the deepest parts of my heart, the more I want to get closer to God. The more I long for the His Word, delight in praising and thanking Him, desire to linger in His presence. The more I stay connected to Him, the more I open up avenues for His Spirit to work in my life. The more He works in my life, the more I become others focused, not in the sense of judging them, but in the sense of wanting to let God use me in their lives to bless them.

I find it interesting that in verse 9 of the Bible passage above it says that God did all that He did because He has a purpose for the lives of each of His followers, a purpose for us to do good. In Galatians 5 it talks about the freedom we can experience in Christ and how our natural, sinful, nature is at odds with the work of God's spirit in us. In Galatians 5:22-23 it even describes what the product, or fruit, of God's spirit working in us will look like:


22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

We absolutely don't come into relationship with God because of any good actions on our part. We can spend eternity with God simply because of His gift of faith in His son who died on our behalf. Yet, as I come into relationship with God He does change me. he does produce these 9 things described above. As Joyce pointed out earlier this week, the process by which God works is not always one that we would naturally think of as pleasurable. Just as pruning rose bushes allows them to produce more roses, so God's pruning in my life allows me to produce more fruit.

What are some ways God's worked in your life to make you fruitful?

Farmer Dave

"Satan can duplicate the Gifts of Holy Spirit but he cannot duplicate the Fruit of Holy Spirit."-Craig Bex

For false christs and false prophets will rise and show signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect.

Mark 13.22

And no wonder! For Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works.

2 Corinthians 11.14-15

It seems to me that there are more people in the church today that are trying to 'prove' false christs than trying to prove the Love of Christ.  That people are trying to root out the tares (Matthew 13.36-43) instead of taking care of the wheat. I gotta admit that there have been times in the past where I thought it was my 'mission' to set straight theologies that I didn't agree with.  Sometimes, I was subtle, taking the Rabbi approach of answering a question with a question.  Other times, I was as subtle as a punch in the throat.  Because of my arrogance and lack of  Love, in most instances the only person 'convinced' was myself.

The true value of my works aint gonna be revealed until the Day when they are thrown into the fire. (1 Corinthians 3.12-13)  It is then that my real motivation will be seen, by everyone.  I am convinced that there will be works that I have 'successfully' completed that will burn as straw because I know that my motivation wasn't outta love.  I am also convinced that I will see some of my 'failures' reveal silver or gold because I was obedient and served Jesus outta Love, even though things didn't turn out the way I thought they should have.

As I step out into what Jesus is leading next in my life, it is so important to have my 'ministry', my focus,  where it needs to be.  Ministry aint about blog entries, the Gifts, results or me.  Ministry is about  me cultivating and giving away the Fruit of the Spirit. Ministry for me is being the best farmer I can be.

Sucker Shoots

I preached a really good sermon one time. It started out as a communion teaching. Never satisfied with the typical teaching on communion, I launched off into a metaphor of baking bread. Since there are two elements involved in communion, I thought this was a good place to start. I went on and on about the process of baking bread. I talked about how God brings all the ingredients together. I talked about how there are times for the yeast to ferment. That involves waiting. I talked about the mixing and the kneading. I shared that we don't like the kneading or pounding. Nevertheless it is part of the process.

I compared the bread to us as the body of Christ and how God is forming us into a unified whole. I got off into holiness and wholeness. I was on a roll. Then came the fruit and nuts. Have you ever noticed who when God is forming His people into a body, the body to be broken for the world how he always seems to have to add those fruits and nuts.

You know who they are. You have them in your church. If you don't go to church, you know them in your fellowship groups. They are found where ever Christians gather. Maybe you are one? I have been thought of as the fruit or nut in a church.

I have been telling a story on another blog about the healing of our son. It was one of those fruits that was being kneaded into a body of believers who had faith for healing. You can read about it here.

Finally, all the ingredients in the bread get thrown into the fiery furnace. Have you ever noticed that when it comes to growth and usefulness in the Kingdom of God, the Bible always uses a metaphor of a painful process. There's the potter's wheel. At first you think you are on a good ride at the carnival but then starts the pounding and the stripping away. Then just when you think your ready to get off, the Potter will pound you down again because He won't let even that one imperfection stay if you are going to be useful.

Or there is the pruning metaphor, God the ever perfect gardener, prunes away until you feel like you have nothing left. I heard a woman last week talk about sucker shoots on her tomato places. If you are going to have the good fruit of tomatoes, off come the sucker shoots. I had to laugh. I thought how like God. Sometimes you think - oh look at my new spiritual growth. Then He comes along and says sucker shoots as He pinches it off.

If we are going to be fruitful we have to go through the process. If we are going to be the body of Christ, we have to be kneaded and baked. It's not fun. But it is necessary to be fruitful. How is God making you more fruitful?

Working at the Fruit Stand - What God Won't Ask

Christians enjoy talking about fruit like they are spiritual vegans!  Some Christians use the word "good person" like God is Santa Clause checking his list to see who's naughty and or nice. Various emotional muggings take place in churches where there are guilt trips, redemptive works, or required religious ceremonies for salvation.

Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

This week your dynamic Kingdom Bloggers are going to be writing about faith, works and the fruit of the Spirit.

True freedom is in salvation through Jesus Christ. I suppose that it is easy to lay back once we have our ticket to paradise. Many do. Others seem to grasp grace as a license to do whatever they want to. Like the spoiled child with diplomatic immunity, they feel as if they can disregard the laws of the "land." And then there are others that feel obligated to follow certain rules and traditions while their heart is far from God.

It's easy to think that maybe we should do something to earn God's love. I have heard lots of folks that feel as if the church will fall down when they show up. As if any of us could get clean enough or be presentable to God on our own.

Without faith, it is impossible to please God.

Galatians 5:19-25 talks about what is the fruit of salvation. The analogy of fruit simply means that it is something that grows from the plants DNA. It is the natural process by which many plants show their beauty, and provide food for many. That is the true nature of God.

When I was in the Caribbean, I had a taxi driver stop to let me pick an avocado. I have never had a tastier one. If we look around us, it is easy to see others who may have more anointing, or gifting in their lives than we do. I am not talking about talent or charisma, but the ability to see Jesus as we observe their lives. This is fruit. What do others see when they observe our lives?

This is a hard topic to give a testimony about. If I toot my own horn about how much fruit my walk with Jesus shows, than I am being not so humble. I did receive this email that other day - see how you measure up to the fruit of the Kingdom. Truthfully, I didn't do so good.


What God Won't Ask
By: Author Unknown

God won't ask what kind of car you drove.
He will ask how many people you took places they needed to go..

God won't ask the square footage of your home.
He will ask how many people you took into your home.

God won't ask how many fancy clothes you had in your closet.
He will ask how many of those clothes you gave away to Salvation Army.

God won't ask what social class you were in.
He will ask if you preferred others over yourself..

God won't ask how many material possessions you had.
He will ask whether those material possessions dictated your life.

God won't ask what your highest salary was.
He will ask if you trampled over any people to obtain that salary.

God won't ask how much overtime you worked.
He will ask did you work overtime for your family.

God won't ask how many promotions you received.
He will ask what you did to promote others.

God won't ask what your job title was.
He will ask did you perform your job to the best of your ability.

God won't ask how many promotions you took to chase the dollar bill.
He will ask how many promotions you refused to advance your family's quality of life.

God won't ask how many times you didn't run around around on your spouse.
He will ask how many times you did.

God won't ask how many degrees you have.
He will ask how many people you thanked for getting those degrees.

God won't ask what your parents did to help you.
He will ask what you did to help your parents.

God won't ask what you did to help yourself.
He will ask what you did to help others.

God won't ask how many friends you had.
He will ask how many people you were a friend to.

God won't ask what you did to protect your rights.
He will ask what you did to protect the rights of others.

God won't ask what neighborhood you lived in.
He will ask what other neighborhoods you visited.

God won't ask how many times you told the truth.
He will ask how many times you told a lie.

God won't ask about the color of your skin.
He will ask about the color of your heart.

God won't ask how many times your deeds matched your words.
He will ask how many times they didn't.

God ordinarily will not show you His will in order for you to consider it.
He will show you His will when He knows you are willing to do it.

People volunteer for the dumbest things...including Hell.

Some people wonder what it must be like to have freedom taken away. That's all they can do is wonder. These people are the ones who often joke about the confining conditions of being married or having young kids. Also coming from this group are the ones who think people in jail have it too easy. Being incarcerated in this country is an easy way out, and that's why the returning rate for convicts is close to 70 percent.

Some people flippantly say things like 'What would I ever do without my cell phone?' or 'I'd die without the internet!' Also coming from this group are the people who are absolutely lost when the power goes off at their house for a few hours during 'prime time.' They wander through the house looking for candles and flipping light switches as they move from room to room in a futile gesture of habit.

Some people have never known a life of even slight inconveniences like living in the outdoors with no indoor plumbing, being thousands of miles from loved ones with no idea what is happening with them and no means of contacting them, or spending hour after hour in solitude filled with deep longing for genuine companionship on any level.

There are two classes of people who understand all of these things all too intimately, and both are completely by choice. Those who are in our armed forces make sacrifices most people could never relate to or even imagine. Often living with the constant stress of looming dangers, the men and women of our armed forces know inconvenience. Eat what you're given, wear what you're issued, and sleep when you can. It's a life that at times is fast and hard yet swallowed by what seems like endlessly hours of waiting...anticipating.

The other class are our convicts. Walled off from society for a gambit of reasons and intentions too vast to comprehend. Isolated and completely at the mercy of a bureaucratic system bloated with incompetence and apathy. Eat what you're given, wear what you're issued, and sleep until your brain is nothing but a mushy goo. Rehabilitation is just a fancy governmental scapegoat word destined to fail for the vast majority because it can't account for, or help alter, desires of the heart. Only God can do that...and our government is far from God and picking up speed.

Veterans and inmates are two classes of our society that appreciate freedom like no other. Both understand and revel in the smallest things in daily life most take completely for granted. Neither class is made up entirely of the stereotypical traits commonly attributed to their respective populations. Jails are full of good people and military ranks are scattered with bad apples. We tend to paint with broad strokes in our society. Just ask anyone who regularly attends church services who are often pelted unfairly with the hypocrite stones.

Personal freedom is, however, a very tangible commodity and today, more than ever, a true gift...one paid at a price. But having the knowledge that we are free from a finite existence or even worse the infinity of damnation...that truly defines what it is to be free. Breathing the air in that place is most sweet and fills the soul with joy and peace. It's a freedom that can also be known to the veteran as well as the inmate...or by any other grouping or classification we choose to create as human beings.

I will celebrate my freedom this weekend with fireworks, grilled foods and a parade. My heart will swell with pride at being a citizen in the greatest nation on our planet. I will salute our service men and women and pray for our inmates because I know the sacrifices both face. I know because I've been both. While I'm proud of one and humiliated by the other...I'm much wiser for both.

Having said that and fully knowing the sacrifice implied, I would rather spend the rest of my natural life locked in the deepest, darkest hole ever found and still have my personal relationship with Christ than spend a single minute without the freedom He gives me and walk around completely unencumbered.

That is what I am most thankful for this holiday weekend...well, and every other day of the year for that matter.

You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope

With 4th of July celebrations just a few days away, many of us find ourselves thinking about Freedom. That's why we're talking about Freedom this week at Kingdom Bloggers. David had asked me to also share my testimony this week.

I think one of the biggest ways that being a Christian has made me free is that even in the midst of difficult circumstances, I can experience peace and joy. Part of Freedom in Christ for me is the fact that God takes circumstances that look like ruination, and instead brings about redemption. God turns the effects from those difficult events into something good in my life.

Like most people, I haven't had a perfect life.

I was the third of three daughters, born to my poor father who knew exceptionally little about females. Both of my older sisters were huge handfuls, causing lots of intense problems all the time for my parents. Without even thinking about it, my solution was to be the perfect child, the one who would not add any more pain to my parents' full plates and who would never cause problems. One of the lies of my childhood was that in my own mind, it was somehow up to me to make things right. What I became was invisible. Those feelings of needing to be good enough to make things right, and of being invisible, have been repeat themes in my life.

I’ve often thought about the fact that the Bible is quite clear that when we accept Christ we are new creations, but my experience and observations are that while we have new spirits, we still have the same soul. If my favorite color was green before I accepted Christ, it still is after. If I had emotional baggage before I accepted Christ, usually that baggage doesn’t just disappear after I accept Christ.

The difference after a person accepts Christ is that now the person don’t have to deal with that baggage alone. I can look back at my life and see how God chose to work in my life through His Holy Spirit within me, through the Bible, through people, and through experiences to bring healing, wholeness and even freedom in my life. But that freedom did not come over night, it’s been a process.

I’ve also come to believe that God never wastes any experiences. I’m not saying by any means that everything that happens is His will, because both other people and myself can choose to disobey Him and hurt others, the world is imperfect and bad stuff does happen. But I am saying that God even uses bad events to bring about good things in our lives.

Although growing up in a chaotic household where I felt invisible wasn’t exactly fun, I know God has used it to make me the person I am today. Perhaps because of my very need to be perfect and not a bother; I was often forgotten. My mother even forgot to pick me up from school several times throughout my elementary school years. But I’ve noticed that very experience has made me someone who notices people. If I’ve met you even one time, I’ll remember you. God has used me repeatedly in my adult life to minister to the hearts of people, to have God make people feel loved and valuable through me.

One of the good things about my early years was that my family regularly attended church. I never doubted the existence of the God they taught me about at church; for me He was a fact of life. As I aged, my understanding of God increased. By the time I was in 5th grade I came to understand that I was not perfect (even though I tried really hard), that I sinned, and that my sin separated me from God. I realized that sin requires a payment and that either I could pay for it myself or accept Jesus' death on the cross as payment for my sin. So I chose to accept Jesus' payment and to commit to living my life following after Him.

Another one of the blessings God brought into my life was a group called Campus Crusade for Christ. By the time I was a teen I was having ambivalent feelings about church. I was frequently enthralled by the Sunday morning sermons, and adored getting to sing with others of like faith, but did not particularly enjoy the youth group. It seemed to me that the kids in the youth group were no more interested in spiritual things than their secular counterparts at my local high school. So I felt alone in my faith, that there wasn’t anyone I could talk with when I was excited about something God had shown me in the Word or a struggle I was encountering. But then one day this nice girl who I kind of knew at school invited me to a Bible study at some people’s house who I did not know. In fact, she invited me several times when I did not attend in response to the first invitation. But I’ll never forget that day when I finally did go in response to her sweet invitations. Talk about the blessings of God – I was ecstatic to find other teen agers who loved Jesus, who delighted in the Bible, and who wanted to hang out and share about their faith. I remember feeling like I didn’t want that evening to end, like I’d finally come home.

That particular Bible Study was put on through Campus Crusade for Christ. As I sought out more activities that they sponsored locally, and began attending them, I encountered a woman in her late 20s named Linda. Looking back on it I can see how God used Linda to supply some of what I didn’t receive at home. Linda really saw me, to Linda I was not invisible. She invested in me and helped me begin to see that I was a person of value to God, she helped me learn how to share the gospel and be used by God to bring others come into His Kingdom, how to share a 3-minute version of my testimony in public gatherings, how to plan outreach events, how to lead Bible studies, and how to invest into others as she was investing in me.

By the time I graduated high school I wanted to do more for God. I wanted to separate for God, to be holy and His so He could use me. So I decided to go to a Christian college. The president of the college I chose is a renowned Christian. I’ve seen God bless His preaching to bring many into the Kingdom. He is brilliant when it comes to Bible exegesis. But, still, to this day, when I listen to this man preach, I don’t feel like he really likes me or other sinners. I never feel good enough around people like him. To me it feels like the love is missing. I do not say this to be critical of the man, but more to underscore how this type of Christian culture fit right into my sick need to be perfect. I’d managed, out of all the fine Christian higher learning institutions, to pick one of them that fit me in a bad way. I could continue to pursue an unrealistic goal of perfection and continue to never feel good enough. I could continue to feel like I could never get it right.

One of the memories from that Christian college that really stands out, was when I had to go before a review board. The review board was comprised of students but sponsored and attended by a specific faculty member. The reason I had to go before that board was because I kept missing the night time curfew. I felt like there I was not measuring up, and for some reason that I failed to understand at the time, I also felt angry. As an adult looking back at the whole thing, I just feel sad. Sad and concerned; concerned that the faculty advisor would let things go how they did. No one ever cared enough to try to find out why I kept missing curfew. When I tried to explain, they brushed my explanations aside and told me that following rules that were set by those in authority honored God. As an adult, I can see how the reason why I kept missing curfew was totally important. I missed curfew because of my work schedule and transportation problems. Even though I was a scholarship student, and my parents helped out, like many college students I still needed to work part time. The closest job I could find to campus was at a fast food restaurant where I had the late shift and closed at night. That job still would have allowed me to make the curfew except that, since there were not any buses locally at that time of night, I had to walk the few miles back to campus housing. As an adult I’m horrified to think of an 18 year old woman walking alone in that area at that time of night. I’m appalled that none of those other Christian students on that review board offered to help me; to work with me to allow me to pay them and they provide me with a ride back to campus so that I could not only make the curfew but remain safe. Unfortunately, none of that happened. Instead I got off with a warning that I must come into compliance with the rules. Yet God used that experience in my life to put a fire within me to be merciful, to always realize that things may not be as they appear.

After a couple of years I left that Christian college and finished up my degree at a University of California. I enjoyed my time there, but I still lived a life of striving. I still never felt good enough. I still felt like it was up to me to be the fixer.

I fixed myself into and out of an alcoholic marriage. My first husband loved God and wanted to be a pastor, but never really put corresponding action to those desires. He started drinking again and things went from what I’d call “normal dysfunctional” to chaos as the drinking continued. All my efforts to control his drinking were useless. We were blessed with a son but that only seemed to intensify his drinking. We split up. I did start attending Al-Anon during this time and began to see the roots of my sick perfectionism and began to deal with my need to control. But I was lonely, and couldn’t seem to connect with God to fill my loneliness. My second husband was in a Bible study group that I attended at church. He seemed the nicest guy you’d ever want to meet. He showered me with attention and it felt great. I just couldn’t get enough. Here was someone to whom I was not invisible. Even when we sinned and got pregnant outside of marriage, he stepped up to the plate and persuaded me to marry him. I thought I’d finally got it right.

Until after 2 years of marriage and 2 more sons. As the years passed by the stress of day to day living hit. As he got to really know the real me and was not at all happy with anything I did. He constantly told me how I didn’t measure up and I constantly believed him. I just kept trying and trying to be good enough and never made it. He was on his second extramarital affair before I finally caught on to what was happening. But, being the product of my background, I felt like it was all my fault. So my response was to work even harder at trying to be a good wife; I thought that if I could just get it right he would love me. I never got it “right”. He left me for the other woman. Or perhaps he just left me because it wasn’t working for him; that’s the reason he gave.

I was devastated. I’d failed twice at marriage!! Not only was I not perfect, but I wasn’t even in the ball park of OK. To say I was discouraged at this point in my life would be an understatement of extreme proportions. As I look back on this time in my life I’m reminded of the beginning of Jesus’ sermon on the mount that’s recorded in Matthew 5:3 (MSG):

“You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”

Because I couldn’t pretend any longer that I could fix the world and make everything right, because the illusion of my control was finally shattered, I finally let go. I stopped trying to control everything simply because I was out of ideas as to how. I reached out to God as never before because there was no where else that I knew to turn.

Then God worked. He blessed me with my job coming to me and offering significantly more money to move. He supplied my sons and I a great place to live. He got my sons into really good schools in our new area. He gave us a church where the boys would be blessed and taught and where I eventually made some of the best friends of my life. He met our financial needs time after time during the next few years. He grew my skills and self confidence through my job. He showered a peace on me through all the tough times during those years, that went beyond anything I could ever imagine.

After several years, God even surprised me by bringing me a man who loved Him and was capable of loving me. I’d assumed that it was definitely a two strikes and you’re out kind of situation. But there was God taking the pieces of my life that I’d messed up, and building them into something good.

After re-marriage we moved. Once again I had to make new friends, start working at a new location. The company I’d worked for during the past 9 years even let me go. But, because of all that I’d seen God bring me through in the past, even though I was hurt and bewildered, I knew I could count on Him. I’ve experienced more of God’s mercy, grace, and love than ever before in my life.

As I’ve stopped trying to be good enough, and just received His mercy and forgiveness for my sin, my inadequacy, I’ve become free. Free of the burden of doing things right all the time. Free to just focus on doing the next thing God puts in front of me through the power of His Spirit.

What about you, what’s God set you free from?