Katniss I am not

God has given each of us the ability to do certain things well. Romans 12:6.

One of my guilty pleasures is a good old apocalyptic tale, like Cormac McCarthy’s The Road, or the films, “I am Legend,” “28 Days later” and  “The Hunger Games” (this may surprise some friends who know I love all things Austen and Masterpiece Theatre). But, I am no Katniss. If I was cast into the wilderness after a world disaster, I would be more like Peeta. I would eat the wrong berries, mistake nettles for aloe and be eaten by a wild animal right quick. But I tend not to panic in tense situations, so like Peeta, if I survived the first few days, I could give a comforting hug and encouragement to those with whom I travel, and provide a modicum of entertainment.

So, my list of five things I would bring with me are not the most practical, but necessary for my psychological and physical survival: a Bible, pack of pens, thick notebook, prescription sunglasses and a water purifier.

God’s Word is essential as a reminder of His promises, care and provision in all circumstances. Pen and paper provides an instant stress reducer as I unload fears, deep thoughts (if I have any) and plans (being future-oriented in this instance would help prevent giving up in dire times). I was going to choose pencils instead of pens, since they last longer, but then I would have to take a sharpener. The parts of a used pen may prove useful in some way, like the spigot thing Katniss drives into a tree trunk laden with water in Catching Fire.

The water purifier is an obvious choice (I don’t know much about camping, but I know safe water is critical), but the sunglasses are not. I am terribly near-sighted, so my glasses are always on, except when I read. My Raybans would be an extra thing to carry, but if I have to move about unshowered, no makeup and my hair a mess, at least allow me one cool factor. And cornea protection.

I don’t know if I would survive very long in the wilderness (unless I had my sister Lois with me, who used to talk a lot about “foraging”), but I would hope that to my last breath, I would help others, especially my family, to do so in the ways that God has enabled me. It seems like pen and paper would be fairly useless, unless the words on a page can encourage, exhort, bring direction and joy, and inspire hope. I am certain they can.

"The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have." V. Lombardi

During my Cold War era days of service with the United States Marine Corps, I kept a 'ready bag' packed to grab and go on a moments notice. Inside was the absolute minimal gear I would need to get by if dropped into an Area of Responsibility (AOR) until resupply was available.

It takes a lot of training and mental fortitude to leave one's family behind unsure what their foreseeable future might hold while you rush to do your job and save the free world from godless commies...

Sorry. I guess that brainwashing sticks with a person long after their time in service is done.

Yes, I have an emergency bag packed and plan in place in the event of disaster or revolution. As a loving husband and father of three, I wouldn't feel comfortable not being prepared. I've gone as far as preparing a Survival Package that contains crucial information that my family will need to know in the event..well...you know...I don't make it. Shelter, water and food plus a driving desire to survive can bring a person through circumstances that might be unimaginable to them today.

So, what would be my five 'extra' things I would grab before leaving? Actually, I've already thought this one through:

1.  My personal Bible. I wrote about this Stone of Remembrance last November. We've been through tough times together already, and I know the reassuring message contained in its pages would resonate strongly in the most dire times.

2. A family picture album. I have one in mind already. Hope is a very powerful thing especially in a survival situation. A picture is worth a thousand words is cliche for a reason.

3. My grandfather's pocketknife. Granted, it wouldn't be much of a tool and far more effective tools are already in the emergency bag, but these single inheritance from my ancestry has not only a ton of stories packed inside...but also a lifetime of wisdom and life lessons.

4.  Several classic novels from the bookcase. Without the blitz of media-laced electronic entertainment, boredom will take hold quick. A nice change of pace from daily biblical stories would be an interjection of modern culture. What better way to keep that culture alive than nightly reading aloud from Steinbeck, Faulkner or Hemingway to pass the time.

5.  My journal. While my story is by no means special, it is uniquely mine. For the several years I've documented my thoughts, prayers, hopes and dreams, those pages are a glance into who I truly am. I would not only want my girls to have those pages, but to pass them on to their children to show them that loving God with all your heart is not just a memorable passage from the Good Book, but a true way of life. A forever changing way of life. I'm pretty sure that comes across loud and clear to this point of the journal.

I don't consider myself a survivalist by any stretch of the imagination. I'm also not an alarmist, but I do realize we live in an unstable world where politics or nature itself can explode at any given moment. Here's one last cliche to chew on:

Better safe than sorry

One thing I know with absolute certainty, regardless of my circumstances, God is with me always.

Don't Leave Home Without Them

This week on Kingdom Bloggers, we have been asked to list 5 things that we would take with us if we had to leave home suddenly. This takes into account that we would already have practical things and money on our list.
1) I would definitely take my Bible. Which version might be a dilemma to me but I probably would choose my Amplified Bible. I would also take a NIV Bible, with the thought that I could tear pages out of it to give to people who didn’t have a Bible or those who had just come to faith. At least they would have a portion of the Word. That decision is based on a testimony I heard years ago about a man who was a prisoner in China for many years.He had a little piece of paper with 1 scripture on it. He said that, the Scripture sustained him all those years.
2) I would take my many pens, colored pencils, lead pencils and markers. I would also bring a huge stack of index cards to draw and write on. I presently do two things already iwith these cards, as the Lord leads.1) I am often lead to write Encouraging Prophetic message for a person. In the past, I too have been given words and then have forgotten a lo of what has been spoken to me. So I feel that by writing them down, people have a change to review and reflect on them. 2) The other thing that I have started doing recently I giving a bunch of about 30 cards to a specific person that the Lord has put on my heart. They may need an encouragement from the Lord. I draw a little picture and write something on each card. For each person, the drawings are different, as well as the messages. I put them in order, as the Holy Spirit leads and trust that each day is the words that that person needs for that day. I tell them not to peek into the next day’s message…ha-ha…not sure if they comply. Both practices have been a discipline for me to tune into the Holy Spirit so that I could bless others.
3) I would take as much Diet Coke as I could carry. I know, I know,…it’s terrible and it isn’t healthy at all but I drink it every day. (My bad). I would bring enough to at least wean off of it so that I wouldn’t get a caffeine withdrawal headache ( *grin*)
4) I would take as many craft supplies as I could to make things for other people. As my granddaughter has recently taught me how to do origami, bringing papers for that would be a light load.
5) I don’t have much memorabilia from my parents, my son and my brother and such, so I carry their memories in my heart. What I would remember to take though is “Baby”, “Tiger”, Blankie”, and “Chickie” for my grandchildren, as I believe that I would leave not leave home without my grandchildren. It would be hard for them not to have their “cuddlies”. In that vein, I would have stories for them in my heart, that I would tell them. Beacause we are talking about stories, I probably am “cheating” as I add this additional item to take, but I would bring my Library Card ( just in case there were Libraries open and functioning), so that I could borrow books for myself as well as my Grandchildren.
I trust that with all of us, what we will be carrying, is not visible with natural eyes but would be the most important thing that we could carry and that would be the Presense of the Lord.
He travels light. He would breeze through airport security. He would be lead the way on the paths long before carved out for me. He would be with me to offer Light in the nighttime and the assurance that He is looking out for me and my loved ones. He would carry me, when I tire. He would be the navigator. He would be before and behind me and on each side of be, protecting me and hedging me in. He would be THE best travelling companion and I would find comfort in that He has walked the path way before me and He knows the way.
In actuality,it would be essential to have Him go with me. He would never be an additional load to me.
As,…“He ain’t heavy, cuz He’s my Brother!
( OK, you are allowed to groan at that last line!)
Linda Maynard

Five Possessions by Jenna Vick Silliman

The question to answer this week for Kingdom Bloggers is, "If all your basic needs are provided for, what additional five items would you want to keep? I would keep the old family Bible that my grandma, Lois Geraldine Squires Vick, left me in her will. It was handed down to her by her parents. It is a beautiful, antique Bible, dated 1883, with lots black and white illustrations. In the front Grandma wrote, “Family Bible which belonged to Earl & Minerva Squires. This Bible should be given to Jennifer (Vick) Silliman. The Bible belonged to her great grandparents. My Grandma prayed for me every day of my life and probably still prays for me in heaven. She left the Bible to me because she knew (knows?) I love the Word and I love God.

My Amplified Bible is another item on my list. I read two pages or more every morning and ask God to speak to me. He always does! It is full of notes, dates next to verses, and underlining. I love my old New American Standard Bible too. It is my first one that I bought after I decided to follow Jesus, on March 23, 1974. However, I can only choose five items, according to the theme for Kingdom Bloggers this week, so it has to be left behind.

I also have two photo albums I would keep. One is my wedding pictures from May 24, 1980. I covered the album with blue fabric left from my bridesmaid’s dresses and also lace leftover from when my wedding dress was made. (I would like to keep my wedding dress, but the Kingdom Bloggers will not let me. Hahaha!) The other photo album is of my childhood that I titled, “The Vickids’ Childhood Photo Album”.  It is a photo history of the Vick family—or at least my branch as far as it reaches. This album also contains my side of the family’s stories and also genealogy, from both my father’s and mother’s sides of the family. At age five my real mother left us, so it was quite a bit of work gathering everything from the Pearson family. I have very old photographs in here and chose the best to represent each of us to express who we are and who we were growing up. I gave the album to my father, James Allan Vick, for Father’s Day in 2008. After my brother, Joshua James Allan Vick, died of heart failure, September 24, 2007, my sisters and parents and myself, sent any and all photographs of him to each other. We had to see every one!  I gathered them all together and lovingly dedicated the album in memory of him. I also gave the album to my sisters, Reine Vick Bullard, who lives in Michigan, and Judy Vick, who lives near San Luis Obispo, California.

Last, but not least, I would keep my computer. It has my writings on it and lots of photos of my children and events from my life. Writing this has made me realize that I have to get to work on a photo history album of my children. I do not want to trust my computer to keep photographs safe! I also have boxes and boxes of pictures, so this project is daunting! Also I would like to gather my stories and writings into an album, so they are all together and can be read and enjoyed for generations. Someday I will re-do this writing and title it, “Seven Possessions, Bibles and Albums”. 

5 Items

I don’t know if it’s recent movies I’ve seen or I’m remembering the old Left Behind videos from the 1970’s that caused me to repent and continually ask Jesus in my heart because I didn’t want to be left behind to face the tribulation or the reality that I live on the West Coast with one road access and the threat of a tsunami is possible but I’ve been thinking about emergency preparedness. This week on Kingdom Bloggers, we’re writing about 5 items we’d take in the event of a world disaster.

Here’s the scene:

You are escaping your home; all of your family members are safe and healthy. Each family carries one backpack, weighing 30lbs. You have dehydrated meals - one for every family member to eat one meal per day for 7 days, two gallons of water, one change of clothing, plus waterproof rain jacket & boots and $1000 cash.  You don’t know where you are going, or what you’ll find when you get there. Communication and electrical power are shut down. You can add an additional 5 items to your backpack, what are the items you carry with you?

1. My first item is my Bible for several reasons. First, it’s a good thing to have. Matthew 4:4 says, “Man shall not live on bread alone but on every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.” I believe we need God’s word to survive. Secondly, my Bible is where I record life events – special dates and ways I’ve seen God move in my life. For sentimentality reasons, my Bible is more precious than any of the numerous scrapbooks I’ve made. And thirdly, the stories contained in the Bible are life giving messages and reading to pass idle times will be refreshing.
   
   
2. Another item has dual reasons for including it. My Grandma was a quilter and I have many quilts by her but the one I have from childhood is more precious than the others because it connects me to my past. I want to bring it for sentimentality and for the practical reason it can provide cushioning and/or warmth.
   
3. The 3^rd item on my survival list is a leatherman. My Man is like McGyver, (Remember that old TV show? Give him a wire hanger, baby wipes and an apple and he could assemble a bomb) he can pretty much accomplish anything with a leatherman.
    
4. The 4^th item is a first-aid kit; not only will my family need to consider first aid but others we encounter along the way may require first aid.
    
5. Finally, item #5 is a tarp; I live on the rainy West Coast (dubbed Wet Coast) and dry shelter is a concern, plus when not using it as shelter, it can be used to store or drag other items with us.

Okay, so that’s my list. What would you include? Is your list much different? Do you go for sentimentality or practicality?

He Has a Plan for Your Prayer

When I was a teenager, planning for the future was not my thing. I had a five-month plan, perhaps, but a five-year plan? Five years was ridiculously far away. For instance, applying to college was not the long, drawn out process it is for teens today. I simply chose to go the inexpensive route (both in dollars and planning time) and follow my friends to a state university.

God changed my way of thinking my sophomore year in college. The Living God tends to do that for His children.

“Do not conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2.

I knew I was not comfortable at the university--I wanted smaller classes, and a school with a spiritual aspect. Not being a partier, I was unhappy with dorm life, so I was already living back at home. The one school that fit the bill within driving distance of my home was St. Joseph College in West Hartford, Connecticut.

However, the school’s bill did not “fit the bill”--at $5,000 a year, it was more than triple the cost of my university (those were the days!). So, I prayed. This was a big deal for me: I had not prayed as a believer for something so big and so specific. But, other more seasoned Christians were telling me that God cares for His children and He answers prayer--sometimes in miraculous or unexpected ways.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20.

So, I stepped out in faith: “Lord, I really want to go to St. Joe’s, but the tuition seems out of reach. I pray for a scholarship--and if the scholarship lowers tuition by half, then I’ll know you want me to go there.”

I still remember the day I opened my acceptance letter and my financial aid award: “You have been awarded the Vitimaur Scholarship for merit: $2,500.” I nearly fell over. It was my first clear answer to prayer and it was a huge faith builder.

But what I did not know was that my time at St. Joseph would bring several special people into my life: professors who encouraged me to pursue excellence and who inspired me academically for the first time in my life, and two future family members: my friend Maureen, who when I was a senior, introduced me to her brother, my future partner in life.

God had a plan for me that I did not even know existed--and that plan is still unfolding for me and my family ever since I prayed that very special request.

Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…

Come close. I want to tell you something about me. Closer. A little closer. You don't want to miss what I have to say...

I stink at relationships.

Actually, that's not accurate. I did stink at relationship before God answered my prayers. One specific prayer in particular.

The funny thing...God answered that prayer by showing me the true problem in my string of nearly 30 years worth of failed relationships was the obvious common denominator...me.  Ouch. My priorities in life almost immediately took a paradigm shift.

Lucky for me, God opened my eyes and heart with the woman at the center of those prayers. After the failure of my second marriage, I resolved to being content to live my life out as a bachelor and focus primarily on giving my daughter the best advantages at life that I possibly could. While the sentiment may appear honorable to many, there's a fundamental flaw in the application.

The world will swallow you up without God as the primary focus in your life. I was swallowed up rather quickly. My life as a single parent became a roller coaster ride of self-centered indulgences destined on a path of sure destruction.

Exactly how is this being a good father?

I knew in my heart that having a stable female role-model for my daughter should be a priority, and there were plenty of applicants for the job. There were also a few that went through the 'screening process' that could have cared less about my daughter. Here's with the truth really hurts and shames me to admit. I could have cared less too. The revolving door of promiscuity continued to turn...

At a crucial point in the whole masquerade, a young and virtuous damsel comes onto the scene. While she truly had all the attributes I knew my daughter needed in front of her on a regular basis, she was both far too young and far too virtuous for my personal liking. Then there was all that 'God stuff' she was into so strongly.

Long story short because you can read it here, a relationship evolved out of both of us loving my young daughter. Sure. She chastised me more than once over my self-centered behaviors. Rightfully so. It became apparent to everyone around us a relationship was almost inevitable. People started pointing that fact out to me. So... I prayed.

From those numerous prayers, God opened my heart to the story of King David. Another self-serving jerk on occasions. But David realized the err of his ways and turned his focus back onto God first and foremost. Only then did his life get back on the course God had intended.

That young lady became my Candice. She literally...saved my life from sure self-destruction. She also helped me realize that my true priorities in life were only biblical if and only if:  God came first, then her as my wife, followed by my daughter and eventually our children. An answered prayer  turned into a family focused on serving our God.

Who would have guessed it? Well...actually me if I had prayed and listen much earlier in my life.

Thank you Father for Your tremendous gift of prayer and the blessings that flow freely from that gift.

Lifetime Pots and Pans and a Working Garbage Disposal

Call to Me and I will answer you. I’ll show you marvelous

and wonderful things that you know nothing about

Jeremiah 33:3 

This week's subject of praying for something and the answer being better than expected seemed pretty straightforward to me. My answered prayer has a name and he is Marcel. my husband.
Initially, this prayer was a weak one. Probably no more than a whisper…a mustard seed proportion.
At the time, I had not expected to meet a decent man. Actually because of previous circumstances, I was leery and almost lost hope.
My mother, ever the one who held out hope for me, encouraged me to buy a set of Lifetime Pots and Pans. At first I thought it was a silly purchase, but she owned a set. Acting like a saleswoman herself, she talked me into signing a contract to pay so much a week. I mean how could you go wrong with a set that had a Lifetime Guarantee?
Isn’t it like a mom to hope for the best for her child? I am not sure I appreciated it as much as I do now.
Soon after, my Knight in Shining Armor galloped into my path…or should I say, at our first encounter, he gently coaxed me to the side .He did so, so that he could balance my teller window at the bank we worked at. He was no less a hero than a Knight though, as he quickly resolved the problem I was having. Thus the rest of the staff could finally leave to go home, albeit with loud sighs.
Marcel came from a small town in CT. It is called West Wauregan and is in the town of Brooklyn. His friend Bob, who also worked with us, glossed over the West Wauregan part and said that they were from Brooklyn. He was kind of embarrassed, coming from a town that no one had ever heard of.
When I heard this I said “Brooklyn! My brother went to Law School there! You know Saint John’s University?
Marcel groaned “Whoa...wrong Brooklyn…we live in CT, not New York.
The things that stood out for me about Marcel were instantly noticed. He was kind and polite. He did not have a big ego and He was considerate. He seemed genuinely interested in me. He was easy to talk to and had a great sense of humor. He even brought an umbrella when it rained. He had a blanket on the cold leather car seats. On those last two, it took time to see the positives about those, as I thought I was much too sophisticated to worry about getting wet or cold.

I kept having these “It’s too good to be true" thoughts about him. I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. This never happened.
Of course he wasn't a saint but he was the best thing, after Jesus that ever appeared on my doorstep. He was a decent guy who was not afraid to show love to me. He respected me as a woman and as a person. He was eager to impress me. I mean how many girls can say that, on the day they met their future in-laws that they and their beau took a ride on the Town's Fire truck, with him driving. Now that was a BIG happening in West Wauregan. Did I mention...small town???"
We are so different in many ways and yet we complement each other.
I like how he has made our life together worth every minute.
Have we wondered if we would last? Yes. Have we ever had times when it was just plain ole' hard? Yes.
Isn't there a Gaither song titled “Through It All?"...but Through It All, he and I have remained commited to the Lord first and foremost and to one another thus far.
So, my Lifetime Pots and Pans lived up to their guarentee.
Sometimes our prayers come from promptings of someone who loves us and can see our future better than we can. That someone was my mom.  What was her Hope became my Hope. And then Hope became a prayer.
You might be curious as to how Garbage Disposals got into my Title. Well, I was considering the following scripture this evening.
“I will answer them even before they call me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers” Isaiah 65:24
Our garbage disposal has been broken for a while. I thought “We don’t have the money to buy a new one. Wouldn’t it be great if it miraculously started again?” (I could report on Kingdom Bloggers another answer to prayer that was better than expected.*smile*)
Before you roll your eyes, years ago our washer stopped working. It was a goner. Money was tight. I had heard somewhere about a woman praying for her washer. What did I have to lose?
You’ve guessed the conclusion. The washer started working and lasted a couple of more years.
Now, if I can just get that garbage disposal to cooperate and be open to my prayers.

Marvel for a Minute by Jenna Vick Silliman

The bright colors of the rainbow are all around us reminding us of God’s amazing promises. In addition to the life we are now experiencing, there is MORE! Let’s marvel for a minute on this relationship with God. Is there any end to it? Jesus said He came to bring us LIFE and life abundantly--life beyond all our imagination or expectations. What an amazing answer to a little prayer of conversion to Christianity!

When I first prayed and asked Jesus to be my Savior, I had no concept of His Lordship, His awesome presence, or His greatness. The answer to this simple little prayer far surpassed any thought I had in my head. In fact, it turned out to be a revolutionary transformation—the proverbial worm into a butterfly! Think about His love for us? Can we fathom it?

Heaven is not a destination I’m headed for like I thought it was. It is now the place I am living from. The kingdom of heaven is at hand—within. We pray the Lord’s prayer about His kingdom on earth and this is our orientation now. All heaven is now backing us. Wow! I don’t know about you, but I didn’t bargain on that when I said the sinner’s prayer. I had no idea legions of angels would be surrounding me.  I had no concept of Jesus interceding for me at the right hand of the Father. I definitely did not know about Holy Spirit empowerment. I never thought about becoming royalty as the bride of King Jesus!Just think of the exchange rate of the Kingdom of God. We exchange darkness for light, evil for good, weakness for power, mourning for joy, and captivity for freedom.  We are no longer under the law or under judgment; now we are under grace and we are favored by God. As it says in Romans, sin no longer has dominion over us because we are under His amazing grace. We also exchange our life of aloneness and exclusion from the life of God, to one of belonging and being loved unconditionally and blessed with His sweet companionship 24/7. Who am I that the God of the universe would consider me? He listens to my desires, my hopes, and my dreams. He has new mercy and lovingkindness for me every day and steadfast love that is never ending.

God created each of us with gifts and talents and abilities to accomplish great and marvelous things. He also empowers us to do what He calls us to do. We are each given the power of His resurrection, it says in Scripture. Wow! How’s that for gasoline in your engine to go after your destiny? We are turbo-charged!

There is no question in my mind that of all the prayers I have prayed, my very first prayer of asking Jesus to be my savior, has been answered far beyond what I could have asked for or even dreamed! Thank You, Lord Jesus, for loving me.

Ouch!

(This is a repost of Thursday April 26. I corrected some format problems)


Why do you see the splinter in your sister’s eye but not notice the log in your own eye? Matthew 7:3 CJB

What prayers have I prayed that God didn’t answer in a way that I asked Him and yet, the results were better than I could’ve ever asked for?
It would be fair to assume that all of us have asked the Lord, whether in prayer or certainly in desperation, “Lord, change her…Can’t You see that if he behaves better, life will be good. As a matter of fact, Lord, if they change, I will act a lot better than I have been. I promise, my behavior will be much better, because You and I know, that’s why I am acting this way.”
God listens but I can picture Him saying “Oh really?”
That was the type of prayer that I prayed for my sister.
She was 6 years older than me. I so wanted her to love and accept me. I kind of idolized her. She let me hang out with her and her friends, sometimes. Other times, I had a niggling feeling like I was just a pain. I hate to admit it, but it became a love/hate relationship for me.
When she went to Nursing School, I felt proud to be her sister. It is a noble profession.
As I matured, I became aware of something that probably was always there. She often acted like SHE was my mother. She could be bossy and demanding. I resented that. The older she got, the angrier she became. Her dissatisfaction was not only aimed at me, but everyone.
 What I didn’t know then, was that angry people often use anger as a defense. They hurt inside, but they lash out and hurt other people. Often, the recipient becomes resentful and wants to retaliate.
My parents developed serious medical issues, late in life. My dad suffered a devastating stroke, which left him paralyzed. My mom also had a stroke. Hers was minor in comparison; but it left her with physical and mental deficits. 
The monitoring of their care fell into my sister’s lap. She didn’t sign up for it, but there was an unspoken expectation that she would assume the caretaker role. I mean, she was a nurse and she liked to be in charge, right?
My 3 brothers and I were supposed to relieve her on weekends. However, when we came on our assigned day, she would not leave the house as we had agreed on. On my day, I felt inadequate, as she hovered. I left with a sense that I couldn’t do anything good enough in her sight.
With all this pressure, her anger and resentment grew.
I remember showing up at her home once, with my own built up emotions, and talked back to her. I spewed words towards her that were like a volcano of hate.
From that incident, she wrote me a letter that had about 10 pages. She let me know every little thing that she felt that I had ever done to hurt her. She did not mince words. I was shaken and hurt.
“Lord, I have had it with her! She is impossible and wants perfection.” I am sure I added something like, “I humbly ask You to straighten her out”
I still held onto my self righteousness and what I felt was justifiable anger.
That would change the day the Lord opened my eyes.
Like a movie, a scenario came into my mind. I saw a little girl, maybe around 5 yrs old. As she stood there, heavy and wet men’s wool overcoats were being thrown over her, one by one. This continued until she was buried. As a result, I heard her crying. At once, I knew it was my sister. My sister, who never got to be a little girl with little girl needs, rather was a child that was burdened with grown up expectations and responsibilities. Her acting like my mother was not a defiant stance she took, but one that she knew was expected. It was a role of survival. This may have been symbolic, rather than a reality, but in that moment, I was crushed as I saw a doll that she never got to play with.
So many emotions arose in me. I cried and was filled with compassion that was tainted by shame. 
The Lord didn’t put shame on me; rather He wanted me to see things from a perspective of truth, rather than from the lens, that I had seen her from my whole life.
A soon as I could, I went to her house and told her of my awakening. I don’t think she fully understood it and the impact that it had on me. Besides, I was telling her something that was foreign to her. i.e. “God spoke to me” But what she did see was her “baby” sister in a much humbler place. I apologized for judging her…resenting her, while at the same time, thinking it was OK for her to do everything for my parents. I did feel inadequate and I reasoned that I didn’t live in the same town as they did. Nevertheless, I could have done more.
So my seemingly sincere (?) prayer was answered in a way that made me look at myself, rather than blame her. It was an additional measure of grace that God gave me such deep understanding of her.
Today, she and I have a wonderful relationship because of the extension of love, acceptance and forgiveness, we offer each other.
I thank God for that. I thank God for her. I thank God, as He answered my prayer so clearly but not anyway in which I asked.
Below, is a Prayer that many of us have heard. Maybe, like me, it may have become so familiar; we don’t pay attention to the words anymore.


“God grant me the serenity to accept the things (people*) I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can (help me to change ME*)
And the wisdom to know the difference
(*emphasis mine)
Linda Maynard