Self-Control: A Dirty Word?

Self-control is in short supply. The problem in our culture is an over-supply of everything else: food, drink, drugs, guns, sex, clothing, cars, casinos, toys, television, technology. We can indulge ourselves in every way imaginable--and in many cases, ways we cannot imagine.

All of us, if we are honest, lack self-control in some area. I don’t get enough exercise, my tongue flaps when it shouldn’t, I drink too much coffee, and my daughter knows not to leave a bag of Jax Cheese Twists anywhere near me. 

Self-control is the equivalent of a dirty word in the contemporary lexicon: not to be mentioned. “If my behavior does not harm you, then what business is it of yours?” But, a lack of self-control has a ripple effect.  My tongue-flapping may hurt someone’s feelings, too much caffeine may cause me to be irritable or anxious, and the Jax incident, combined with lack of exercise, leads to the need for new pants, which leaves fewer dollars for necessities.

There are extreme cases of self-control gone awry, such as the co-worker who starts shooting up the office. Whatever the triggers over time may have been, in the end he allows his baser impulses--rage, resentment, hopelessness--to fully rise to the surface and explode.

There are also daily events that don’t make the news: the woman at the stoplight who honks her horn angrily because traffic is not moving quickly enough for her. The child at the grocery store who, denied a favorite candy, has a meltdown. The mother who later does a line or smokes a joint or has four glasses of wine to deal with stress. The lonely twenty-something who is trying to eat her way to peace. The husband who secretly watches porn on his laptop.

But all of these--anger, indulgence, addiction--if allowed to build and continue, will eventually leak and cause unhappiness, relationship problems and worse.

Vincent's Word Studies of the New Testament describes the Greek meaning of the word for self-control as “holding in hand the passions and desires”(vol. IV, p. 168, available online here). 

God is good and wants us to enjoy His goodness. Evil seeks the opposite. Jesus declared, “The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life” (John 10:10, NLT). He gives us the ability to “hold in hand” the temptation to lie, to lash out, to overeat, to self-medicate, to overspend, to commit violence.

The fruits of the Spirit--which we have been writing about for several weeks--are displays of God’s goodness in our lives. When we exhibit self-control--over our tongues, appetites, desires, and temptations--we are serving God and helping others to know there is a richer, more satisfying way to live.

Gentle Giants

It's the strong hand, not the weak one, that must learn to be gentle. Gary Thomas.

My friend Joan is the epitome of gentleness. I have never heard her raise her voice, speak sarcastically, berate someone or lose her temper. I cannot claim the same for myself.

I have organized an event for women with Joan, and let me tell you, that process can cause you to pull your hair out--or someone else’s. Tension was high at times--like when a person just showed up instead of registering for a hotel room and expected to be accommodated--yet the ever-gracious Joan managed to hold it together and respond in love.

Joan exudes the gentleness of Jesus. Jesus is gentle: “I am gentle and humble of heart” (Matthew 11:29).  God showed up in Elijah’s cave in a gentle whisper, not in the earthquake, or the fire, as some would think (1 Kings 19:11-13). Paul instructs us that gentleness is a fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22).

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love (Ephesians 4:2).

One definition of gentle is “not harsh or severe.” For the mature believer, if operating under the influence of the Holy Spirit, harshness should not be the default position when angered, stressed or annoyed.  If it is, we need to spend more time with the gentle giants of faith: Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and friends and teachers who bear that kind of fruit.

My husband is one of those gentle giants. He is humble and kind--I can’t remember him exhibiting harshness, even when disciplining our children.  Gentleness is not wimpiness: Tim would take a bullet for any one of his family. It is the ability to turn the other cheek, sacrifice for others and absorb the ire of those who may unfairly accuse or lose a temper without returning the same.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).

This world is full of cynics and a harsh reality of unkindness and selfishness. How fresh and appealing is the gentle spirit! God will help us exude His gentleness.

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near (Philippians 4:5).

Adeste Fideles

Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. 

Psalm 36:5

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  Gal. 5:22-23. 

We have been writing about the fruits of the Holy Spirit here on Kingdom Bloggers for several weeks, referencing Galatians 5:22. These fruits are what Paul says should be by-products (the dictionary defines fruit as a ‘sweet product’) of a life truly given over to Christ.

Because we are human, we will never produce these sweet fruits constantly—thus, the need for repentance and God’s grace. So, this latest fruit—faithfulness—is not to be a legalistic yoke, too heavy and difficult for us to bear. The Pharisees in Jesus’ day believed faithfulness was exemplified by following rules: if you did not follow the rules, you were not faithful. But Jesus chided the religious elitists:   “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former” (Matthew 23:23).

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 1 Peter 4:10

Faithfulness is obedience out of love, not out of obligation, fear and duty. We love God because He first loved us, not the other way around.   Faithfulness is a reliance and undivided focus on the God who loves us: “Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name” (Psalm 86:11).

I have known people of great faith. They never had a headline, or wealth, or fame. They were anonymous individuals, except to those blessed enough to know them. I knew Vinny, a high school janitor, who was never embarrassed to show or share his faith. Once, at the end of a school day, he shared stories of the God he served with a co-worker in an office, not realizing the P.A. system was on. Teachers and principals, who barely gave him notice before, were suddenly hearing stories of Vinny’s—and God’s—faithfulness.

I knew Cathy, Mary and Maureen, three amazing women, who clung to God as they each battled cancer. They did not, as Job’s wife urged him to do as he endured terrible loss and illness, “curse God and die.” They exuded love and grace and faithfulness, even while being real about their fears, their pain and not wanting to leave loved ones behind too soon. Could I? Would I?

Praise Him, for the Gospel is about God’s grace and faithfulness to a humanity in desperate need. God proves His faithfulness everyday: each new morning, he bestows a great mercy by allowing me to have another day to breathe, to show love, to experience forgiveness, to make up for the losses of yesterday.

But what if He did not give me another day? Here is Job's answer: “Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him” (Job 13:15). God cannot be anything but faithful. That is His character—ever true, the most faithful of lovers. His story is one of incredible patience, compassion and fidelity towards a people who time and again only proved themselves unfaithful.

How to Love

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23.

For the next several weeks, the topic at Kingdom Bloggers centers on the fruits of the spirit, listed above in the scripture from the Apostle Paul's letter to the Galatians.

Love is the first and most important of the fruit we will produce as followers of Christ (1 Cor. 13:13). For an unparalleled example of love, we can look at the life of Jesus--one of complete self-sacrifice, patience for and acceptance of others (especially for the very flawed disciples), devotion to His Father in Heaven. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

There is a reason the scripture above is read aloud at many wedding ceremonies, and it is found in those three words in verse 8: “Love never fails.” Failure in love happens every day. True love is not the love of man. That is evident in the everyday selfishness we see--and participate in.

Marriages would survive at an astounding rate if the true love described in 1 Corinthians 13 was practiced on a daily basis. But marriage can be fertile ground for both sacrificial love and selfishness. The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Galatians, reminds them that they are a free people, but that they are not to use that freedom to hurt, abuse, or hate: to do so, is to live a live of slavery all over again. Laying aside one’s right to indulge oneself, is the sign of true love and a free life.

To produce that kind of love is impossible in one’s own strength. That is why God gives us His Spirit--to allow Him to plant, root and blossom this luscious fruit of love that can quench the fire of hatred, heal wounds, grow a child, mend a broken heart, seal a rift, change a life.

When we hear the love scriptures read at a wedding, let’s pray that love, and all of the fruits of the spirit, is planted and nurtured in the lives of the couple--that God’s love would allow them to live as free people who love each other freely and selflessly. And watch the divorce rate plummet.