Living in the Desert

I seem to live more in the desert than anywhere else. I almost passed on this week as I am dealing with the death of my mother. She passed away last Thursday, February 25. February 25 is also my wedding anniversary and the birthday of one of my grandsons. I find that odd how this happens. We have other dates in our family that are like this – they seem to have multiple significance.

I found this dying experience to be very different than I expected. It was more rich than desert. As with all the rich experiences of life, I learned so much. If you haven’t read any of my reflections on this on Sounds of Hope, you may want to read them.  It seems the month of February was all about dying. I shared the experience of my granddaughter’s death, sudden, unexpected, and way too soon.  Within a few days, I was experiencing the death of my 91-year-old mother. I attended to her as she transitioned from this life to the next.

I live in the desert. South Dakota is tundra. Even in the snow, the cactus grows in the western part of the state. I have actually wanted to live in the desert, just not a frozen one.  While the natural beauty of the western part of South Dakota is astounding, the coldness of the surroundings is unbearable for me.

I fell in love with the desert of Arizona in 1997.  That year was the hardest year of my life. Space does not permit me to share this in detail. Just before the year began we had a house fire, early in the year our son was sick and homebound for most of the year, our granddaughter died, my husband made emergency trips to his native Pakistan because of the critical illness of his father, I was falsely accused at work ruining a career and reputation, a major crisis in my marriage-this just scratches the surface.

As the year was closing, I was numb, almost comatose with despair.  My husband took me with him to Tucson, Arizona.  As we flew over the desert, I thought what a horrible place. As we drove to Tucson from Phoenix I asked, what do people see in the desert?

Within 24 hours, the desert had captivated me.  There was something healing about the desert.  The first night we were guests at a colleagues home. Under a beautiful desert sky with crispness in the air we ate our meal outside. The next day we went to walk through the desert and experience its intimacy.

What originally just looked dry and brown was actually full of life.  The desert has everything needed to sustain life.  Each plant and animal has been uniquely created to live in this environment.  Rains will come. In fact, they will come with unexpected force. The arroyos formed by the rain, change the landscape sweeping away all debris.

We resist the desert. Its starkness and seeming desolation are frightening. I don’t know a lot about the Desert Fathers who helped perpetuate and mature our faith. I do know that the desert is necessary. I know the desert restored me and refined me. I know that when the rains come, with force, it sweeps away the debris of my own life.

I’ve always wondered about the scripture that say the Holy Spirit led him into the desert (Matthew 4:1). There are times we are led into the desert.  I have embraced the work of the Holy Spirit; if I do, I need to follow even to the desert. It will be good for me.

Busy, Burdened....Beautiful

A time in the desert...Well, I am sure glad it didnt last 40 years, however 1 day in the desert seems like 40 years...Wilderness, desert, its all the same..Its dry, its desolate, lonely etc..You know what I mean...My desert experiences have been few but have impacted me in such a way that I'm not in a hurry to go back there....I am dry and thirsty Lord send your rain, send your rain...Lord I need your touch again, send your rain, send your rain...Let it rain, Let it fall from heaven , send your rain to revive my soul, I need your rain, I need your streams of refreshing, so i will thirst no more..Those are lyrics to a song that has stuck with me for 10 years..You know those songs that you never forget, or have impacted your life/walk in a way that you don't understand..That is the one that did it for me...My desert experience that remains fresh in my mind is the time I returned to the world...After serving the Lord for 6 years and I mean "serving"..I was busy, busy. busy..Youth, dance, children's ministry any thing that needed to be done I did it..I was going constantly and enjoyed every second of it..You know the desert thing kind of just crept up on me..One day I was going, going ,going the next day ...NOTHING...A lot in my life had transpired during this time, lots of changes..It all happened when a separation occurred between myself and my ministries and my church family...Its really not important these days how it happened as much as the importance of "why" it happened...This experience (desert) was the loneliest, darkest place I had ever been..Sometimes it was cold and desolate and others the temperature got so hot I was gasping for air...My emotions got the best of me in this place, I was sad, lonely, afraid, desperate etc....In this desert I spent some time in a fiery furnace, a lions den, in a pit, a prison I had faced many giants, a serpent had even spoken to me and tried to strangle the very breath of life out of me, I ran, I hid, then I cried out for help.....JESUS!!!!HELP ME..You know what He said that day....I've been here the whole time daughter, I was just waiting for you to ask...I was waiting for you to surrender to me , admit you couldn't do it on your own..I was waiting for you to call out my name...That day in the desert I finally had sensed a glimmer of hope..He told me to walk with Him for He had much to tell me in regards to this place I had been residing in for some time..After a long walk I told the Lord I was weary and didn't think I could continue this journey through this desert..At that moment he told me that we were on our way to the potters house, that it was just a little further along the narrow road we were on, I looked up at Him...I said I am to tired Lord this burden is to much, I cant take another step, I am dry and thirsty..At that moment He picked me up and carried me the rest of the way, I fell asleep as I counted His footprints in the sand..When I had finally came to, we were at the Potters house as he promised we would be..As I looked around I saw so many masterpieces some shiny , some cracked and some on the potters wheel..I asked Jesus my guide why are we here?? Am I going to return to the desert??..His reply was," No daughter, here is where I am going to teach you how to be fit for the masters use......."..You walked through the desert, you called on my name and now here we stand...Here is where You will sit,you will be molded and transformed into a vessel fit for "my" use...

Like a Camel

A camel can survive seven days without water, but not because they are carrying large reserves inside their humps. They're able to avoid dehydration that would kill most other animals, thanks in large part to oval-shaped red blood cells (vs. the standard circular variety). As far as that hump goes, it's nothing more than a big mound of fat, though a useful one at that — the lump provides camels with the same amount of energy as three weeks of food. If there's any body part that excels at retaining water, the award goes to the camel's kidneys and intestines. These organs are so efficient that a camel's urine comes out thick as syrup and their feces is so dry, it can fuel fires! (www.animal.discovery.com)

Bet you didn't expect that as an intro to a Kingdom Bloggers entry, huh?

I had no idea that camels didn't store water in their humps.  That's what I was taught in grade school so why would I think any different.  It wasn't until I started kicking around ideas about this entry that I learned camels store water in their bloodstream and not their humps.   I also learned that a camel breathes out of its nostrils to helps retain moisture.

Wanting to share my new found knowledge of the camel, I wanna try to make a connection between even-toed ungulate and a Christian. Let's see if I can pull this off.

Just like a camel, God has created us to survive in a desert.  Like a  camel, we are equipped to endure dry times because His Word lives in us.  A camel can survive 2-3 weeks without food and God will provide all that we need and lead us to it.  A camel is built to endure temperatures that would kill other mammal and we Christians, being sealed with Holy Spirit, have a similar strength to persevere. The camel's hair, nostrils and eyelids can all form as barriers of protection and we Christians are equipped with protective barriers individually and through the Church.

I can look back at my times in the  'Spiritual Sahara' I see that I was just me being a lazy, selfish, short sighted punk.  I would get bored after reading a few minutes in the Word.  I couldn't feel His presence during worship. Or my times in prayer weren't spectacular, so I thought I must be in the desert. Knowing now what others have endured,  I didn't endure great hardship.

Instead of focusing on how dry and dusty I thought things were, my focus shoulda been on what what God had blessed me with.  Rather than complaining to Him about how I thought things were 'unbearable' and demanding an instant watering hole, I shoulda been exalting all that my God is capable of doing.

After all, He is Lord of the oasis and the barren.

You don't have to act like a Roman in Rome...

The sights, sounds and even smells are unmistakable. My eyes seemed to constantly scan the scene unfolding as my walk through caused a bombardment...no better yet an eruption...of emotions buried deep from days gone by so long ago.

But, was it really that long ago? My sense of a workable timetable seemed skewed. I had last set foot here in...maybe...yes, in 2002! That had been only four short years ago, but so much had happened since that last visit making the time frame seem more expansive than it actually was. My fourth, no make that fifth, visit to America's version of the City of Lights was vastly different, however, and despite the adrenaline flow, my state of mind was far less stoic or business like than the prior four trips. This time I was truly excited to be here with my wife, family and friends.

I was back in Las Vegas...

There is no other city in the world like Vegas. I had returned to Hawaii, where I had lived at one time, with my new bride just a few years prior and enjoyed ever single moment. But the Aloha State didn't harness any of the dark, almost mocking, ghost of lifestyles past that Vegas did. My last trip here had been eventful in a number of ways. First and foremost, I had left the town that breaks most with a wad of winnings. Five figures worth to be exact. Only one of my prior four trips had resulted in my leaving money behind, but never had I been that hot. It didn't seem like I could lose as I rolled winnings into more winnings. My last visit had seen me depart full of self-admiration and even arrogance.

Despite the high note in confidence and cash flow, things would take a decisively nasty turn upon my return home. My life would begin to be turned upside down in a number of ways and a number of times eventually resembling a snow globe with me at the center of the blizzard-like scene. Chaos reigned in my life. I lived loose and free...no not free...nothing is truly free. Anything worth having comes with a price, and my way of living was paid for with intense loneliness, overwhelming guilt and crushing weights of anxiety.

As it all swept back over me like a rush of invisible locus swarming to engulf me, my love took hold of my hand. "Are you okay?" she quietly asked with genuine concern. "I'm fine. Just a lot of demons still lurking I guess," I tried to be reassuring. Not quite fully understanding the magnitude of my response yet sensing a hint of despair in my voice, she took tighter hold of my hand and inched a little closer to me as we walked. Instantly, a calmness fell over me, and I whispered a quick prayer for protection. Father, you know where I've been and the things I've done, and I gave those to You years ago. I know I've willingly put myself in this situation, but I ask for Your guidance, for strength, and your protection. I refuse to let Satan beat me down with things of the past. We are here to have fun, but only as You see proper. Thank you for loving such a mess of a man like me. In my Savior's name I come to You with this prayer.

As we moved deeper into the labyrinth of buzzing and blinking and clinking and clanking, I felt more at ease. My goal was to just come here with family and friends and have a good time. The marketing slogan proclaimed, 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,' but apparently that advertising company isn't aware of or fails to acknowledge an omnipotent God that transcends more than the fear of loose lips or unflattering headlines. The real trick is to make sure nothing happens that I wouldn't want Him to see...which encompasses in fact everything.

Everyone around me in our group chatted and took in the magnificence of the world-class resort. A billion dollar establishment that set on a row of similar such establishments and stretched 3.8 miles. Real estate and revenues worth more than the GDP of many small countries. All designed with one thing in mind...to get you to put your quarter into that slot...repeatedly.

Despite my initial foreboding demeanor, I started to relax and let go of any dread that tried to linger. As we approached the back end of the enormous casino, we approached the very spot where it had all gone down. To the group, it was just another instrument of the gambling, but to me it represented a time in my life when beating the man foolishly seemed more fulfilling than
pleasing the One. As I stood staring into the enormous sports book, a calmness blanketed me.




I looked at the people sitting and gazing almost lifelessly at the Big Board. Endless odds and propositions filled the large center display floating among what seemed an endless number of screens constantly feeding updates, scores and highlights. A mecca for most any sports enthusiast, gambler or not. A small swell of pride formed as I realized that I had come here and beat the odds, but it was quickly deflated by the lasting memory of what it had cost me in the long run. Money can be the root of evil, but the love of money truly is the root of all evil. I was looking directly at some of that love mixed with unrealized delusions.

Thank you Lord for delivery me from my enemy. As I continued on, my group was unaware of the brief internal strife that had left as quickly as it had appeared. Somehow, my love was far to attuned to my inner workings not to sense the brief uneasiness of the moment. "You still okay?" she said so softly. " Yes, I am. Thank you," squeezing her hand just a slight bit more. She probably received my acknowledgement as mere politeness, but it was intended on a completely different scale...and God knew exactly what I was thanking her for from the bottom of my heart.

What's for Dessert? - I Think it was Me

As I crossed the Thames River Bridge, the bright orange sun touched the horizon - and I heard that still small voice.

After five years of prosperity, good fortune and blessing, I made a few stupid moves in ministry. Due to my impetuous nature, inexperience, and lack of solid teaching, things started to crumble. My home had become a battle ground for the devil (literally - more on that HERE).

This week your Kingdom Bloggers are going to describe how they survived a desert experience. (Without dying!)

After nearly eight months of battling it out, I just needed some peace. In the summer of 1985, friends of mine from AA gave me the keys to a cottage on Cape Cod. I took a Friday off from work to enjoy a 3 day weekend in Orleans, MA; near the Cape Cod National Seashore.

I suppose a little history at this point might be helpful to frame my story. I had gotten sober in October of 1980 while attending music school. I started teaching music at a prestigious boarding school, solidified my relationship with Jesus and belonged to a spirit-filled church. The loving folks at Grace supported my efforts to minister to the youth in my denomination with both finances and prayer. I also had a part-time business doing carpentry on the weekends and during school vacations. I lived 300 yards from the beach. There were so many blessings, some days it was hard to count them all.

We all have times when things get really tough. It can be the loss of a job, financial woes, divorce, loss of a loved one, other relationship issues, sickness, or any combination of the above.

Having said that, my story is really no different than every other human on earth. We all have trials - count on it. The daily pressures, the emotional stress, and the strain of working 2 jobs, was just too much. After eight months of "trouble," I was ready to give up.

Driving my F-150 pick-up with the windows open, the warm July sun and the cool sea breeze greeted me as I crossed the Bourne Bridge. I found the cottage just off a dirt road on the edge of the inner beach. Tossing my suitcase on the bed, I grabbed my cut-offs, a pair of flip-flops and headed out to look for a bite to eat.

Each day, the sound of the ocean waves and the squawking of the sea gulls ministered to my thirsty soul. I enjoyed fresh seafood at just about every meal. I ate lobster at Kadee's. As I watched the fishing boats, I sipped cranberry juice at the Orleans Inn, and enjoyed oysters in Wellfleet. I napped, read the Bible, and did nothing every afternoon as I soaked up summer's best. At night I went to AA meetings and made a few acquaintances. Sunday morning I went to church. I even decided to take Monday off and went to another meeting at the Church of the Holy Spirit - had coffee with a few of the guys - one was a bass player in a local rock band. Quietly in my bed, I prayed - Lord, I just need your peace - I need your direction.

On my trip back to Connecticut, I received an answer - I heard it in the sunset.

The next weekend I decided to go to the Cape again - I still had the keys to the cottage. The weather was gorgeous - warm - with a gentle sea breeze. Certain I had heard God, I decided to make a deal with Him like Gideon. If I could get a job and an apartment, I would leave Connecticut and move to what I thought was paradise.

In front of the Lobster Claw Restaurant, I got a copy of the Oracle, a local newspaper. I looked over the ads and found a studio apartment that sounded perfect - a "God" find I thought. I called the number and no one answered, but I left a message saying I would call back later in the day. I decided to go to Nauset Beach and just enjoy the ocean, and pray. On the way, I saw a really beautiful house being built, and something "struck me" about the green and blue sign out front - so I pulled in. There were a couple of guys wrapping up their tools, and I asked if they were looking for help. "Yeah, but not until September 1st."

Wow, I thought, 5 weeks away. I talked with the foreman for a few minutes. Because I had my truck and all my tools, he hired me on the spot. We shook hands. I would start the Tuesday after Labor Day unless there was a glitch finding a place to live.

I called the folks with the little apartment, and it was perfect. Right in town, a walk to shops, restaurants, galleries, a movie theater, and not far from the development I would be working on - perfect. And best of all, as a resident, I would be allowed to drive my truck out on the outer beach and visit the North Atlantic, listen to the waves, watch the seals, and be at peace.

You might be thinking that all this was a blessing, but for me it was the start of 7 years in the desert. I couldn't find a church, the job I had so easily gotten, I lost just a few weeks after arriving. I didn't really have any friends save a handful of acquaintances from AA. Winter came.

Had I made a mistake? Wasn't that You I heard Lord? Didn't we make a deal - the job and the apartment? I began to doubt everything.

I often looked at the books in my bookshelf - bibles, commentaries, testimonies - they seemed almost foreign to me. Eventually I ended up with a pretty good job. One day all alone on a job site, the smell of fresh sawn 2x4s in the air, I decided to take off a cross that I had worn since confirmation. The heavens were silent.

Lost in the desert I abandon church, stopped praying, and stopped reading the Bible. I had an injury and I could no longer work in construction or play guitar, so I changed careers. I had a terrible car accident and suffered a serious depression. In spite of it all, I managed to finish art school.

Eventually, I started working at a photography studio. My new boss was after me to get back to church, and I did. My heart wasn't in it, but it was refreshing in some ways. Finally someone that I had witnessed to nearly 10 years earlier, got me to church, to an alive church.

After that first meeting, I remember reading this verse.

2 Timothy 1:6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands.

I was on fire - I was alive again. I also remember asking God why . . . and there was no answer. Years later I met a prophet from South Carolina at a church I had never attended. He said this as I stood before the altar in April 4, 1994:

"Hallelujah! Hallelujah! One thing about it, God is really working in your life. I see you wearing a cross, God wants to cross you out. If you will humble yourself to seek the Lord. As Jacob wrestled with the Lord, God is wrestling with you. He wants to bridle you so you can "gee-haw" with the Lord. Amen? The Bible says desire the ways of the Lord because his ways are higher then your ways. Hallelujah!

Brother I see you have been attacked by the Devil, and God has allowed him to afflict you like Job. And brother I never seen it so bad as it has happened to you. Look at you, you can’t even raise your hands.

As the waves have crashed into the sand and taken it away so has the Evil One taken from you. But the Lord Who commands the sun not to shine, and sets a seal upon the stars; Who alone stretches out the heavens, and tramples down the waves of the sea shall break the yoke, for His yoke is easy. Brother God’s hand is upon you. I have called you and set you apart. I have ransomed you and I will call you my own. Says the Lord."

Maybe prophecy is not your thing, but for me, that day, the Heavens opened. The Lord's amazing grace had pursued a wretch like me, and delivered my from the hands of Satan so that another chapter could begin. One that was far deeper then the previous one.

1 Peter 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.