When Dave shared the topic for this week I felt stumped because, in terms of the specifics, I have no idea what's next for me. Of course I know that I'll always be called to be a wife to my husband John and a mother to my sons; that will always be a huge part of my what's next.
A big part of why I'm stumped is because I've encountered some challenging situations these last couple of years. Situations that have felt like I've had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me.
I lost a career job and felt like I'd kind of lost my place in the world. As I've shared before, I've applied and applied and applied for a job, and participated in some interviews, only to meet rejection after rejection. I'm currently working in a situation that makes less than half of what I used to make and that's something I did back when I was pregnant with my now 16 year old son. Yet, there is always a bright side; I do feel like I get the opportunity to serve in this position. They repeatedly let me know how happy they are with me at this job. So my stance is that I'm trying to seek God and do my very best where I'm at, while I continue to be out there researching and applying for jobs. I'm seeking God about this whole thing, while trying to ensure that I'm doing my part so to speak.
A couple of years ago I started a small Bible study group in my home that has never grown past 4 participants. I guess that could seem like a lack of success. But I will say that we've all become close and been there for each other through a lot of really tough life experiences. For myself, I greatly treasure the experience of going through life together with these women of like faith. Yet, even though I love my local church, it's not perfect. One of the things I'm uncomfortable with is the emphasis on numbers; and of course that emphasis on numbers emphasizes my "failure" with this small group. It can also feel sort of bad because sometimes I'll be all ready and all of the participants in this group will call at close to the last minute and cancel. My kids look at me like I'm nuts; I got the house ready and drinks out and a fire in the fireplace and no one is here. I tell them that I'll just take awhile and pray for the ladies in the group; that who shows up to a certain extent is up to God, not me. I sure hope I'm at least modeling faithfulness for my sons.
I've also shared before that one of my three sons is not seeking after God. While he has not denounced his faith and will freely say he is a Christian, and because of this stance, will follow some moral guidelines, he's not seeking after God. Instead he's pursing the pleasures of the world; popularity and partying, having a good time. I continue to seek God's wisdom daily and earnestly for how to best deal with him. God's put His faith and assurance into my heart that this son will wake up and return to Him; I just pray that this happens SOON.
The point I'm trying to make by telling you so much about my challenges this year, is that the things by which I would have measured success in the past, are not present in my life right now. Right now seems to be a season in my life of waiting on God. Of trying to learn to be with Him in all situations and have my contentment come from Him alone.
So, as to what's next, I've no idea. But I do know that God loves me and has a plan for my life. I do know that I can look to Him each day, and look for doors He's opening in that day for me to share His love with others - and then step out.